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12 WAYS TO GET SCREWED BY YOUR SITE DESIGNER

If you read a previous post, you'll realize that I'm not a big fan of the smaller "website design" firms. They offer less than standard/quality technology, they feed from the ignorant, and they're just plain shady. Over the years I've had to deal with quite a few of these idiots for a variety of things. I've put together a list of 12 common swindles… 

Example Web Design Firm:

"ACME WEB DESIGN – WE'LL DROP THE ANVIL ON YOUR NUTS, THEN SHOVE IT … "

1.) DOMAIN REGISTRATION CHARGES: Why spend $1.99/year for domain registration when you can spend $15/month with ACME? ACME can log on to GODADDY and register your domain name better than anyone!!! 

2.) DOMAIN OWNERSHIP:  "Here at Acme, we really like to bend you over. When you register your domain with us, we won't get it registered to you, we'll register the domain under OUR names. That way, if you decide to move your account elsewhere, we've got you by the balls. But that's not all! Next year, when renewal comes, and when you've had a chance to establish your web presence, we can either A: INCREASE YOUR MONTHLY DOMAIN FEES or B: REMOVE YOUR ACCOUNT COMPLETELY AND USE THE ESTABLISHED DOMAIN AS WE SEE FIT. 

3.) SWITCHEROO, MAKING YOUR SITE DYNAMIC:  You need to have a database driven, dynamic site these days, right? Of course! So here at ACME, we rename all of your static HTML files to PHP files! Like a professional site, you won't see "index.html!" You'll now have a top of the line, "index.php" file! Yes, it's a PHP file! We're fast too… all we do is click on the file with the .html extension, press f2, replace .html with .php, and done! And we're so good, we eliminated the need for a database! 

4.) COMPLETELY CUSTOM, FROM A TEMPLATE: We love to tell our clients that their site is completely custom and unique. See, here at ACME, we have a repository of 14 templates. When we choose the best fit, we'll CUSTOMIZE it with your logo! For an additional fee, we'll change the color scheme too! 

5.) LESS THAN STANDARD TECHNOLOGY: We know what works! Static HTML sites are the best! We'll provide you with the best services, at the best prices. Don't be fooled though, we feel that we have more control of you and your site by claiming it's "non-static," or "dynamic." 

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6.) CHARGING PER PAGE: Yes, we charge on a per/page basis! But not to worry! Your first 3 pages are free! It takes us several valuable seconds to copy our templated page and re-populate it with your data. 

7.) SITE MAINTENANCE: Here at ACME, we strongly advise against making modifications yourself. It takes a very skilled developer to jump into your "PHP files," and make the necessary changes. But no worries… when you request a change, we'll charge only $50 to make that change. But that's not all! Yes, you get more!!! We won't build the site right the first time, so you get to submit your changes right away!  

8.) HOSTING: For an additional fee, we'll even HOST your site! Didn't know you needed a host? Well, here at ACME, we intentionally neglected to tell you that you needed a host so we can quote less, but charge more. Don't want to use our hosting services? Not a problem! In fact, we'd love for you to get the hell off our servers! We do, however, have a fee to transfer your files to another server. So either way, WE'RE GETTING PAID!

9.) SERVER MAINTENANCE: When you use our servers, we charge for everything. Need cPanel? Sorry, we don't have that here at ACME! Besides, it takes a top-notch networking professional to manage our servers. That's not all! We make several mistakes, but hold you accountable for it!!! And you know what that means… yes, that's right! We're getting paid!!! 

10.) DISC SPACE: You have plenty of disc space. But remember, we like to tell you that each php file is approx. 300 Megs each, making your 10 page site very heavy.  If you need more space, we have plenty of it! Hey, we inflate it all… even disc space!!! 

11.) REPORTS AND STATS: Need a report of your traffic? For additional $19.99/month, you get one free report. Each request there after is only $19.95! That's $.04 savings! 

12.) SEO – We guarantee traffic! How do we do it, you ask? Here at ACME, we're very creative. We do things like, give you a link on our "portfolio" page, and submit your site to google. Your traffic will go through the roof, guaranteed!!! Since we pull the reports, we'll tack on a few zeros to each number on your report!!! So, when you're site actually gets 5 unique visitors, you're amazed to see that you've already had 5000 visitors to your site!!! Amazing, right? No, that's not all! We'll convince you that "hits" actually means, "unique visitors." Awesome!

To all customers… IF YOUR SITE IS SUCCESSFUL, We're gonna make sure we profit from your success. And, we'll take any/all means necessary to do so, Guaranteed.  

Here at ACME Web Design, we take real good care of our customers…  

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